I’ve done a lot of things in my life but being bald is not one of them. I’ve literally had a full head of hair since day one. I’ve always loved my hair. To me, it’s been somewhat of a security blanket for me. I was very shy as a child and I thought I could hide behind my bangs. I was a fan of Motley Crue in high school so I grew it out and died it black to look like Tommy Lee. When I became a radio personality and public figure in my 20s my hair became a big part of my image. I was all of a sudden “the guy with the great hair.”
Like most men, going bald has always been a fear mine. I stopped dying my hair when I was 17 because I wanted it to be healthy again but mainly because my mum told me it would fall out if I kept dying it. I really fried my hair by constantly using black hair dye from the drug store so I was relieved to see and feel my hair go back to normal by the end of grade 12. I’m very lucky to come from a follicly blessed background. Both my father and my late maternal grandfather have and had respectively great heads of hair, so genetically I’m not too worried about going bald. However I feel male pattern baldness in a way is a lot like COVID-19. There’s a lot of theories as to why it happens but there’s no concrete evidence as to where it came from.
Because of the coronavirus shutdown, it’s been almost 3 months since my last haircut and it’s getting pretty thick. Especially at the back. Barbers will be opening within the next couple of weeks but I feel like they’ll be swamped and it will be impossible to get in. If I shave my head now I won’t need a haircut until August when things will be back to normal. That’s the logic I’m going with.
My biggest fear isn’t that I’ll look ugly bald. It’s that the clippers will jam halfway through and I’ll be stuck with an awful hack job. I have 2 beard trimmers and I’m hoping that if one jams the other will hopefully work as a backup. My plan is to first thin my hair out with the kitchen scissors, then buzz it down with the beard trimmer and finally, shave it with my razor like Andre Agassi in those old Shick commercials. Seems simple enough, right? Here goes nothing.
The Process
There’s something very uncomfortable about cutting dry hair. Especially with kitchen scissors. That crunch is so unnerving. It’s been about 5 minutes and even though the sink is filled with hair, my head looks barely unchanged. It’s time to switch to the beard trimmer. Again, here goes nothing.
Wow! I just wasted 5 minutes with the scissors because the beard trimmer chomped through my hair with ease! The feeling of removing your own hair with the clippers is very liberating. This is my Britney Spears circa 2007 moment. My hair is coming off with ease as I slide the clippers from my forehead to my crown. The only problem I have is reaching the back of my head. Luckily my brother lives with me and is home right now so I’ll get him to help me out. There’s still a 1/16th of an inch of hair leftover from the guardless clippers so I’m going to have to use a razor on my head to go completely bald after this.
I’ve seen videos of guys shaving their own heads with a razor that slips on their finger like a ring but I don’t have that kind of money or the resources so I’m using this old Gillette Fusion razor I have lying around. I’ve been shaving since I was 13 but this is the first time I’ve ever used a razor above my eyebrows and it’s a little scary. Shaving the top and sides of my head is going a lot better than I thought but the back is another story. Thanks for having my back bro!
For the first time in my 30.5 years of life, I am bald. Woah.
Day 1
What a weird feeling to wake up to! It feels like I’m always sweating. It’s so weird not having that mop on my head that just absorbs my perspiration. I’m afraid of getting a sunburn so I’m constantly putting SPF moisturizer on my scalp. I’m getting mixed reactions to my new look. Some say I have a nicely shaped head while others say I look like a white supremacist. Not the look I was going for.
Day 2
Still not used to this image. In my mind I still feel like I have a full head of hair until I touch it or walk past a mirror. It feels so weird! You know when you slap yourself on the cheek? (or any part of your body that’s covered in skin) Well I can make that sound with the top of my head and I can’t get over it!
Day 3
I’m getting used to being able to shower so quickly. I don’t have to wash my hair and I just dry my head by running my hand across my scalp. No towel necessary! I’m starting to finally identify as bald in my mind. Had to walk two blocks to my car in the rain because the cars out front of my building are all awkwardly spaced out. They seem to think social distancing applies to parking. Didn’t need an umbrella because I wiped my head off when I got to my car. A lot of people are DMing me saying I look like an Eastern European gangster.
Day 4
I have a solid peach fuzz going on now. Am I still bald or does my scalp have to be fully covered? I’m still putting SPF on my head because I’m so paranoid about sunburning my scalp but so far it hasn’t even been itchy like I thought it would be. I was rubbing my head at a red light and I looked over and another bald guy gave me a head nod. Is this a normal thing between bald guys? Like the Jeep wave? Or does he also think I’m a white supremacist…
Day 5
My DMs are full of people saying I look like either an Eastern European nightclub owner or a soccer hooligan. Why are bald guys are always stereotyped as the bad guy? Bane, Voldemort, Caillou, Dr. Evil, all bad and all bald. At best bald dudes are an anti-hero like Dominic Toretto from The Fast and The Furious, Nick Fury from the Marvel Cinematic Universe or whatever Jason Statham gets cast as. Professor X from X-Men may be the only bald hero that I can think of.
Day 6
I am no longer bald according to a poll I ran on my Instagram story. I technically have a buzz cut now. Just in case you were wondering, it takes me one business week for my hair to grow in.
Conclusion
I enjoyed the look of being bald way more than the process of being bald. Being bald made me feel badass but also bad. Bad as in evil. We need more mainstream bald heros. Having the villain be a bald dude is an overused trope that needs to go.
Shaving my own head was way more difficult than I thought it would be. I have a lot of respect for dudes who constantly have a freshly shaved head. Overall, I felt really good about stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new because I’ve been rocking the same hairstyle since 2012. With that being said, I’m very happy with my hair but if I ever do lose it I’m glad I’ll have a good look to fall back on.
Now I’m just waiting for my hair to grow back in…
Johnny Novak 